I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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