If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
