now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
