my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
