K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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