I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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