so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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