peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
