smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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