Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
