I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
