i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
