: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
