I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
