this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
