My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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