I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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