I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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