WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
