I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Vodka?
Forever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
