i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
