I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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