I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
