my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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