mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The adults are the big ones right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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