I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
