so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
