the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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