a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
