Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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