I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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