Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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