Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
