i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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