Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
