his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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