All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
