I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
