I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
