i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
