Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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