Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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