Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
