this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
