he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
