Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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