"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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