She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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