I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
