Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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