Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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