I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
