There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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