I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
